BOARDMAN, OH – St. Margaret Medical Center released news Thursday that a new cutting-edge fellowship training program would start.
Dr. Peg Trachenline couldn’t hide her excitement as she announced the creation of a brand spanking new Futile Care Fellowship: “As the population age rises, our patients’ and families’ outlandish expectations are rising even faster. Meanwhile, satisfaction based reimbursement is rising even faster than that.”
Building on this dynamic, futile care has finally blossomed into its own branch of medicine. “It is our responsibility to produce physicians trained to provide this specialized service to its full standards… No this has nothing to do with Palliative or Geriatrics…” she answered to a question from the audience.
She continued: “There are a lot of practitioners out there who want to ‘do everything’ for their patients and we expect a competitive applicant pool.” In order to select the best suited candidates, applicants will be expected to:
- Have the ability to dispense copious amounts of hugs and false hope.
- Be able to perform CPR with one hand while charting with another.
- Be able to nod with great concern and understanding, while suppressing the “What is wrong with you?!! Why are you doing this to your grandma? Just let her go in peace!!!” facial expression
- Have a passion for tubes: gastric tubes, nephrostomy tubes, colostomy tubes, rectal tubes, small tubes, tied tubes, winding tubes, endotracheal tubes, pneumatic tube systems and renal tubules.
- OMG-01 Futile care, initial encounter
- OMG-167 Futile care, one hundred and sixty seventh encounter
- WTF 123.1 Why?! Why in the world are you doing this?!
- OMFG 01 Futile care, diverting resources from patients who can actually benefit from them
- EF-ME 121 Futile care causing you to pull your own hair out in a fit of rage
- EF-U 124.4 Futile care driven by family’s secondary gain
- END A11 End Stage Everything
- FC 111.1111 Futile care for a patient with no paired organs remaining.
- STFU 134 Just stop now! No more! Unplug the vent. Go home.